The Inevitable Vegetarian Sex Jokes

Allison

True Story: I was at a wedding recently, and as usual passing up the meat, and asking for more potatoes, when I received the inevitable question: "so, where do you get your protein...?" to which my date announced to the entire table without batting an eye, "she swallows!" I was not interrogated about my vegetarianism from that moment forward!

Anonymous, believe it or not

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

Etan W.

A young vegan couple decided to spice up their life so they bought "The Joy of Sex." A friend later asked them if the book had helped. Disgusted, the lady replied, "We didn't know what we were getting into. That book goes against everything we believe." The friend, a bit surprised, asked them if they were against free sexual expression. "No," said the man, "but you wouldn't believe what they want us to put in our mouths!"

Sean

There was a vegan and her husband wanted head. She said that she didn't eat weiners. [Unless her husband was vegan too....]

Mertle

Why do vegans give good head?
Because they are used to eating nuts.

Kendle

I may be vegan but I still eat pussy.

Anonymous

Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
Because they don't eat meat.

Vegetables

Melanie

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."

Melanie

A married woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, during one passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past five years!?!"

"Honey, let me explain!"

"Why you impotent louse!" she screamed. "You sneaky son of a prick!"

"Speaking of sneaky..." he interrupted, "would you care to explain our three kids?"

Melanie

Two little old ladies stopped by a produce stand and inquired about the price of zucchinis.

"40 cents apiece or 3 for a dollar," said the farmer.

The first lady looked at the other questioningly.

"Well, we can always eat one," said her friend.

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